Handsome boy meets beautiful girl...
and then they are inseparable. They spend all their time together and it seems that they are finally truly living their lives. It's all a blur of happiness. They find out they have the same interests and hobbies, and it seems like their partner meets all of their needs instinctively. All their troubles are resolved, and their stressors disappear. Some minor bumps may show up, but the message is clear: Their love overcomes all.
Does this sound familiar? When I was younger I watched movies like Cinderella that portrayed this "Happily Ever After" romance and grew up expecting romance to be similar. I was confused when it wasn't. I found that my perspective was skewed by the media and the truth is that love is a choice and it takes work. I found that my interests did not always coincide with my partner's interests. I found that obstacles come independent of our relationship status, and it takes more than love to overcome many obstacles.
Right now, the culture is such that we meet someone, hang out, they pronounce boyfriend/girlfriend status, and then they begin the courting phase where they get to know each other. However, statistics show that this is not the best way to go about dating.
So, what is a healthy way to meet and date a potential spouse?
One model was created by Dr. John Van Epp, and it is called the Relationship Attachment Model, or the RAM Model. He outlines five main areas that are essential to dating relationships: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch. He proposes that we should know a person more than we trust them, trust a person more than we rely on them, and commit to a person more than we get physical, or touch, them. A good representation of this can be found here.
In our culture, hooking up is more common than dates, and it has been negatively affecting relationships. This is opposite of what the RAM model of dating calls for, and it has had a negative effect on relationships because their sexual activity has created a bond that is not backed by knowledge, trust, reliability, and commitment. Jim Gascoine says: "whether we like it or not, sexuality creates a bond between two people. So now we've got two individuals that are sexually active, and yet they really don't know if they can trust each other, if they can rely on each other, or what level of commitment is in the relationship. " If they want to pursue their relationship in a healthy way, they will have to create different habits and build their knowledge, trust, the amount they rely on each other, and their commitment to levels above their touch level.
So, how can we date people effectively?
First, I think it is important that we keep in mind that marriage is the ultimate goal of dating. It should be extremely fun, and we shouldn't raise our expectations of dating, but it is important to remember that you are searching for someone that you would like to spend you life with.
From what I've learned and seen, there are 4 different stages of the dating to marriage relationship. It works best when the couple know exactly in what stage they are in. When a couple blurs the stages of dating, they are not being as intentional in the relationship as they should be, and that can cause issues later in their marriage.
Dating. The first stage is dating. Dating is doing a variety of activities with a variety of people without any commitment. What does a date entail? According to Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk called "Dating versus Hanging Out", it is an activity that is
1) Planned - It must be a designated activity that is planned ahead of time and is prepared for.
2) Paid For - One person (or both) know who is paying for the date.
3) Paired Off - The boy and the girl know they are responsible for each other during the duration of the date.
When in the dating stage it is important to remember that you should date a variety of people. The level of commitment is only the commitment to each other for the duration of the date. Your expectation should be to have fun and to get to know a person. This is when you can get to know your priorities in aspects of your future partner. Basically what you value in a future spouse.
Courtship. The second stage is courtship. This is when you become exclusive in your dating. You should still be going on dates, but the ideal is that there is a variety in the dates that you go on so you can see the person in varying environments and situations.
Engagement. At this stage, you have decided that you want to marry the person. Generally this stage is opened up by a proposal, and the more intentional you become in making the transition from courtship to engagement, the better.
Marriage. Marriage is the fourth stage, and it is definitely one to look forward to. :)
It's important to mention here that I think this is the most ideal way to go about dating a potential spouse. This is not the only way, and a marriage is not doomed if you have not followed this. But if you are in the dating stage and desire a formula for a good way to start a marriage and find a spouse, this is a great place to start.
I hope that this has helped, and that many people are able to start their relationships in the most ideal way. I know that dating is important and intentional dating is essential.
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