The Family Under Stress

Have you ever had experiences where you view a seemingly perfect and stress-free family and wonder why your family seems to have more hardships than they do? Then you get to know them. They tell you of their MANY hardships and stressors and you realize that they really do have a stressful and difficult family life?

I have.

Every family has hardships. Just like an individual, families go through periods of high-stress and low-stress. When a family goes through a stressor, or series of stressors, there are three basic outcomes:

1. Higher family maturity; long-term positive effects

2. Same level maturity; the family has coped

3. Lower level maturity; long-term negative effects

So, what are some good and bad ways for a family to cope?

Let’s start with Ineffective Coping Mechanisms.  (These are paraphrased from “Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy” by Robert Lauer and Jeanette Lauer)

Denial

Denial is deciding not to see a stressor for what it really is. This is harmful to a family and individual because it prevents anything from being done to solve or overcome the stressor.

Avoidance

Avoiding a problem will never produce a positive outcome, as ignoring a problem because of negative consequences now will produce more hardship down the road. It is important to take responsibility and work towards addressing the stressor.

Scapegoating

This is another way of saying blaming others. When I served my mission, the mission president’s wife always talked about the negative effects of blame and how we should never blame other people or other things for our situations. Blame cripples a person because they become unwilling to fix the issue or see their part in the act.

Now that we have talked about ineffective coping mechanisms, let’s talk about some Positive Coping Mechanisms.

Take Responsibility

This is the opposite of denial, avoidance, and scapegoating because the person recognizes that there is a problem, they don’t blame others, and they approach the issue healthily. Taking responsibility empowers a person to act and help the situation. It also allows for a healthy view of the crisis by helping the person not view themselves as a victim—hurt, oppressed, exploited, in pain, helpless, etc. Many times, people are not responsible for a stressor to their family, but they can create a game plan for helping them and their family to not have a victim outlook.

Affirm Your Own and Your Family’s Worth

Having a healthy view that you and your family can overcome challenges and stressors will help all of you to do so. On my mission I learned the principle that we are self-fulfilling prophecies. If we believe that we will be unsuccessful, we will be unsuccessful. If we believe that we have the skills necessary to do hard things and be successful, we will use those skills to do hard things and be successful. Stressors are hard on self-esteem, and I have found it helpful to remember God’s perfection and love when I am unable to find it for myself.

Balance Self-Concern with Other-Concern

Lauer & Lauer say that “The totally self-focused life is as self-destructive as the totally other-focused life.” We must be able to remember to serve others, but we cannot serve others when we don’t have anything to give. When we are too focused on our own suffering and can’t see the struggles of our family members, then we will miss out on opportunities to strengthen relationships and might even damage them.

Find and Use Available Resources

There is an abundance of resources offered to families in different communities. The resources that are offered differ from place to place, but extended family, religious beliefs, friends, books, self-help groups, and therapists are just some places to start.

Learn the Art of Reframing

To reframe means to change your perspective on a situation. This does not include changing the stressor, but simply finding another way to categorize it. This goes hand-in-hand with learning how to not view yourself as a victim, but as someone who can act and change their situation.

What are some of the coping mechanisms that help you overcome stressors?

Marital Transitions

As you can tell by my picture, I am recently married to Daniel, and we've been married for about a year. As a young girl I thought of being married often and looked forward to the experience of dating, getting engaged, and then marrying the man of my dreams.

And guess what? Marriage is awesome. It's living with your best friend and having a companion for the rest of your life who knows you and you know them. It's building a stronger connection with your companion and giving all of yourself to them and accepting all of them in return. It's going through life with someone you love :)

That being emphatically stated, it is important to know that not all of marriage is happiness, rainbows, and ease. Both partners are imperfect and bring into marriage those imperfections. They also are bringing their family of origin's 'norms' and many times the norms clash.

No amount of dating can prepare you (or should prepare you) for the transition to marriage. It's meant to be an adjustment that a husband and wife go through together. The transitions and decisions can be hard, but if a husband and wife pull together, they will come out of the transitions stronger. It is important that a couple goes through the transitions and decisions intentionally.

In order for a couple to make these decisions intentionally, I will go through some of the transitions a couple will go through as they get engaged, married, and have their first baby. I have also added some commentary on what opportunities for growth a couple has during these transitions and some things they should consider.

Engagement
Proposal

Grooms have a great opportunity here to show their dedication to their future spouse. Many times a man will propose after both of them have talked about marriage and decided that they want to marry each other. I propose that a man propose to a woman before he knows her answer. This could create a special experience by showing that he is willing to commit himself to her without the condition that she be willing to commit herself to him first. 

Wedding Planning

Normally the bride plans the wedding with her mother, but there are those that suggest that the bride and groom should both be invested in the wedding planning. They have the opportunity to plan an event together, and this can give the other insight into their likes/dislikes and interests. This is also a good opportunity to talk about priorities and budgeting. It's not the bride's wedding, it's THEIR wedding. 

Marriage Planning

We normally think of wedding planning during the engagement, but I also think it is important for a couple to plan their marriage (what happens after the 4 hour celebration). This includes life goals, where they'll live, potential budgets, who works, expectations they have, etc. This is infinitely more important than wedding planning because this is planning and preparing for the rest of their lives together. 

Marriage - 1st Month
Sex

For members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who have gotten married in the temple (as well as many others), they have waited to have sex with each other until after their sealing. After keeping this commandment of the Lord, they go from 0-100. This is an adjustment, and it's important that after the ceremony and throughout their lives they talk about their expectations and are sensitive to each other's needs and boundaries.

Money

Money issues are one of the main reasons that people divorce today. It is important that a married couple communicate about their money as well as a budget. When my husband and I got married, this topic occupied the bulk of many conversations, and we made it a priority to come to a consensus over our budget. This has blessed our marriage TREMENDOUSLY because we do not deal with the stress of having debt. We also build trust with each other and got to work together to plan for and reach our monetary goals. 

Schedules

My husband loves to wake up early (around 4:00am), and I am naturally a night-owl. One of our ongoing conversations is our schedules. It is important that a married couple communicate expectations regarding the amount of time spent together, and what their schedule will look like on a day-to-day basis. My husband and I use Google Calendar to sync our schedules and talk about them before every semester and then review them every Sunday or Monday. 

Food

I have told many people that my husband's love language is food, and it's true. Few things show more love to him than a well-cooked and ready to eat meal. A couple needs to communicate about where they'll shop, how much to spend on food, who cooks, who cleans, what meals they'll have together, etc. 

Setting Up House

My husband hates clutter and walking over things, so in our first week together we spent time simply organizing and decorating our apartment. This was great because we worked together to make our ideal living space. It was so exciting to go buy a dresser together and set it all up. 

Caring for Someone Else

Marriage is wonderful because it tests your love abilities and helps them grow. I know that love for a spouse is destined to grow throughout marriage. It is an adjustment to go from being aware of not only your own needs, wants, desires, and passions, but your spouses' as well. Taking time to ask them what is important to them and follow through with what you discover will strengthen your relationship. 

Friend Group

Although I dislike bringing up this subject, a couple must establish boundaries with friends. A rule that my husband and I have decided on is that we will not be alone with a member of the opposite sex (unless there's a talked over reason to be), even if they have been our close friend. It's a boundary that we simply won't cross. A couple also needs to decide how much time they will spend with friends, and what they don't want to talk about concerning their relationship with their friends and families. 

Home Responsibilities

Who is going to wash dishes? Who cleans? When does cleaning happen? These are all things a couple will need to discuss in their first month living together. 

Dating

Should you stop dating after marriage or engagement? No! Dates are essential to staying knowledgeable of your spouse and cultivating a healthy relationship. Dating is a planned activity that is set aside from other responsibilities. This is especially important when children are involved in the marriage. 

Marriage - 1st Year
Holidays/Extended-Family Time

Holidays are generally when those that have moved out of their home return to spend time with their family. This is hard to juggle in a marriage relationship because the couple now needs to decide how they will spend their holiday. Will they have an every-other-holiday arrangement? Will you spend some holidays just the two of you? How do your families feel about this? It is important to remember that you are now a separate family and they are your extended family. Do not let your extended families dominate your holiday time if it is unhealthy for your relationship. 

Traditions

This can be closely linked with holidays, and this is one of my favorite aspects of creating a new family. You get to create your own family traditions. Many times there are vast disagreements on traditions because you are bringing two different family cultures together. This is where you and your spouse get to decide what traditions you want to keep, and which you will discard. 

Values

No amount of dating will help you get to know your spouse completely. When you get married and go through life together, you begin to realize that you and your spouse bring closely-held values that simply didn't get mentioned during the dating process. When these values are brought up, be sure to talk about them thoroughly, patiently, and lovingly. 

Budget

I mention this one again because your budget will continue to change. Whether that be because of an increased income, graduating college, having a baby, etc, your budget will change frequently. Make sure to update and discuss this frequently to minimize financial strain on your relationship. 

Feedback

News flash: You aren't perfect! Your spouse isn't perfect! The world isn't perfect! You will dislike some things your spouse does, and they will dislike some things you do. Establish a good habit of communicating your feedback (include positive feedback) that minimized hurt feelings and shows each other respect. 

I hope this blog post helps! This is not a complete list of potential transitions, but it is a good one to get started with.