The Family Under Stress

Have you ever had experiences where you view a seemingly perfect and stress-free family and wonder why your family seems to have more hardships than they do? Then you get to know them. They tell you of their MANY hardships and stressors and you realize that they really do have a stressful and difficult family life?

I have.

Every family has hardships. Just like an individual, families go through periods of high-stress and low-stress. When a family goes through a stressor, or series of stressors, there are three basic outcomes:

1. Higher family maturity; long-term positive effects

2. Same level maturity; the family has coped

3. Lower level maturity; long-term negative effects

So, what are some good and bad ways for a family to cope?

Let’s start with Ineffective Coping Mechanisms.  (These are paraphrased from “Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy” by Robert Lauer and Jeanette Lauer)

Denial

Denial is deciding not to see a stressor for what it really is. This is harmful to a family and individual because it prevents anything from being done to solve or overcome the stressor.

Avoidance

Avoiding a problem will never produce a positive outcome, as ignoring a problem because of negative consequences now will produce more hardship down the road. It is important to take responsibility and work towards addressing the stressor.

Scapegoating

This is another way of saying blaming others. When I served my mission, the mission president’s wife always talked about the negative effects of blame and how we should never blame other people or other things for our situations. Blame cripples a person because they become unwilling to fix the issue or see their part in the act.

Now that we have talked about ineffective coping mechanisms, let’s talk about some Positive Coping Mechanisms.

Take Responsibility

This is the opposite of denial, avoidance, and scapegoating because the person recognizes that there is a problem, they don’t blame others, and they approach the issue healthily. Taking responsibility empowers a person to act and help the situation. It also allows for a healthy view of the crisis by helping the person not view themselves as a victim—hurt, oppressed, exploited, in pain, helpless, etc. Many times, people are not responsible for a stressor to their family, but they can create a game plan for helping them and their family to not have a victim outlook.

Affirm Your Own and Your Family’s Worth

Having a healthy view that you and your family can overcome challenges and stressors will help all of you to do so. On my mission I learned the principle that we are self-fulfilling prophecies. If we believe that we will be unsuccessful, we will be unsuccessful. If we believe that we have the skills necessary to do hard things and be successful, we will use those skills to do hard things and be successful. Stressors are hard on self-esteem, and I have found it helpful to remember God’s perfection and love when I am unable to find it for myself.

Balance Self-Concern with Other-Concern

Lauer & Lauer say that “The totally self-focused life is as self-destructive as the totally other-focused life.” We must be able to remember to serve others, but we cannot serve others when we don’t have anything to give. When we are too focused on our own suffering and can’t see the struggles of our family members, then we will miss out on opportunities to strengthen relationships and might even damage them.

Find and Use Available Resources

There is an abundance of resources offered to families in different communities. The resources that are offered differ from place to place, but extended family, religious beliefs, friends, books, self-help groups, and therapists are just some places to start.

Learn the Art of Reframing

To reframe means to change your perspective on a situation. This does not include changing the stressor, but simply finding another way to categorize it. This goes hand-in-hand with learning how to not view yourself as a victim, but as someone who can act and change their situation.

What are some of the coping mechanisms that help you overcome stressors?