Pre-Marriage Dating

Handsome boy meets beautiful girl...

and then they are inseparable. They spend all their time together and it seems that they are finally truly living their lives. It's all a blur of happiness. They find out they have the same interests and hobbies, and it seems like their partner meets all of their needs instinctively. All their troubles are resolved, and their stressors disappear. Some minor bumps may show up, but the message is clear: Their love overcomes all.

Does this sound familiar? When I was younger I watched movies like Cinderella that portrayed this "Happily Ever After" romance and grew up expecting romance to be similar. I was confused when it wasn't. I found that my perspective was skewed by the media and the truth is that love is a choice and it takes work. I found that my interests did not always coincide with my partner's interests. I found that obstacles come independent of our relationship status, and it takes more than love to overcome many obstacles.

Right now, the culture is such that we meet someone, hang out, they pronounce boyfriend/girlfriend status, and then they begin the courting phase where they get to know each other. However, statistics show that this is not the best way to go about dating.

So, what is a healthy way to meet and date a potential spouse?

One model was created by Dr. John Van Epp, and it is called the Relationship Attachment Model, or the RAM Model. He outlines five main areas that are essential to dating relationships: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch. He proposes that we should know a person more than we trust them, trust a person more than we rely on them, and commit to a person more than we get physical, or touch, them. A good representation of this can be found here.

In our culture, hooking up is more common than dates, and it has been negatively affecting relationships. This is opposite of what the RAM model of dating calls for, and it has had a negative effect on relationships because their sexual activity has created a bond that is not backed by knowledge, trust, reliability, and commitment. Jim Gascoine says: "whether we like it or not, sexuality creates a bond between two people. So now we've got two individuals that are sexually active, and yet they really don't know if they can trust each other, if they can rely on each other, or what level of commitment is in the relationship. " If they want to pursue their relationship in a healthy way, they will have to create different habits and build their knowledge, trust, the amount they rely on each other, and their commitment to levels above their touch level.

So, how can we date people effectively?

First, I think it is important that we keep in mind that marriage is the ultimate goal of dating. It should be extremely fun, and we shouldn't raise our expectations of dating, but it is important to remember that you are searching for someone that you would like to spend you life with.

From what I've learned and seen, there are 4 different stages of the dating to marriage relationship. It works best when the couple know exactly in what stage they are in. When a couple blurs the stages of dating, they are not being as intentional in the relationship as they should be, and that can cause issues later in their marriage.

Dating. The first stage is dating. Dating is doing a variety of activities with a variety of people without any commitment. What does a date entail? According to Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk called "Dating versus Hanging Out", it is an activity that is
1) Planned - It must be a designated activity that is planned ahead of time and is prepared for.
2) Paid For - One person (or both) know who is paying for the date.
3) Paired Off - The boy and the girl know they are responsible for each other during the duration of the date.
When in the dating stage it is important to remember that you should date a variety of people. The level of commitment is only the commitment to each other for the duration of the date. Your expectation should be to have fun and to get to know a person. This is when you can get to know your priorities in aspects of your future partner. Basically what you value in a future spouse.

Courtship. The second stage is courtship. This is when you become exclusive in your dating. You should still be going on dates, but the ideal is that there is a variety in the dates that you go on so you can see the person in varying environments and situations.

Engagement. At this stage, you have decided that you want to marry the person. Generally this stage is opened up by a proposal, and the more intentional you become in making the transition from courtship to engagement, the better.

Marriage. Marriage is the fourth stage, and it is definitely one to look forward to. :)

It's important to mention here that I think this is the most ideal way to go about dating a potential spouse. This is not the only way, and a marriage is not doomed if you have not followed this. But if you are in the dating stage and desire a formula for a good way to start a marriage and find a spouse, this is a great place to start.

I hope that this has helped, and that many people are able to start their relationships in the most ideal way. I know that dating is important and intentional dating is essential.

My Perspective on LGBTQ+ and the Gospel of Jesus Christ

In class this week we talked about how the current trends in gender identity and LGBTQ+ have an effect on families.
Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are familiar with "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" presented by the leadership of the church in 1995. I was about 5 months old when it was presented, and I have heard many people my parents age talk about how they were confused that the leadership would feel a need to emphasize the family and restate what the Lord expects the world to strive for in family and what to steer clear of. My parents felt that it was well-known and common.
Looking back, I view the proclamation as a prophetic statement because of how much we need it today. When discussions of gender come up I quickly refer to the portion of the proclamation that says,

"Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

If this is true, and we are supposed to stay the gender that we were born into, it is possible that we need to do more research into why so many people are confused with their gender. There could be a societal reason why so many people are confused with their gender like the disintegration of families, strained relationships with parents, a lack of general interaction with others, etc. Even though I don't understand everything about why this is a growing phenomenon and why the Lord has declared gender to be eternal and important for our identity, I have chosen to trust in the Lord and believe that there are explanations and solutions.

Now I would like to address same-sex attraction. The proclamation begins with this sentence:

"WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children."

It has been long accepted and understood that marriage is between a man and a woman. It has only been recently that societies have become more accepting, and have been demanding more acceptance, of same-sex relationships. In class we discussed a theory regarding same-sex attraction that is well explained in this article. The theory is called the "Exotic Becomes Erotic", and states that children, whose personalities do not conform to their gender's norms, can view those of their same gender as exotic and different. When puberty comes around, it is possible for the exotic things to become erotic and sexualized. These feelings are often coupled with sexual abuse, pornography use, and a desire to be intimate (not necessarily sexual) with the same sex.
Through personal experience, I understand how real same-sex attraction is, and I know that it is something that many people struggle with. However, I know that the Lord has said that he does not endorse same-sex relationships, and that he endorses only marriage between a man and a woman. I have tried before to ignore little standards that the Lord has set, and it takes away meaning and purpose from my life. The most fulfilling times in my life are the times that I have obeyed the Lord and sought to strengthen my relationship with Him. He is the source of light and truth, and we live in a fallen world. It is important to search for truth through Him, and not through the voices that we hear in the media: really anyone who preaches things contrary to God's standards and doctrine. I know that Jesus Christ lives, and that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me. Knowing these two things and acting on that knowledge gives me freedom from sin and unrest. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is His church, and the doctrine will not change.

How Culture Affects Family

Right now I am taking a course about the country of Pakistan, and the first thing that my teacher taught us was that culture is difficult to define. There are many definitions out there that explain one part of culture, but not another. We use culture so much in our everyday language, yet we don't know exactly what it is. I have looked up many definitions of culture, and found that my favorite is Merriam-Webster's definition of culture. It states that culture is "the customary beliefs, social forms, and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group." This is a great definition because it includes racial, religious, and social groups.

So how does culture relate to families? Doesn't it just relate to the country and environment that the family lives in? I have noticed that each family has their own culture. In fact, their culture, or way of doing things affects their view of the world. In this way, families are the carriers of the culture that they live in, and they can perpetuate it throughout the generations.

So are cultures set in stone? If I look back at my family 12 years ago compared to my family now, I see a drastic change is culture. This, and the observation of other families around me, help me know that culture can be fluid, and we can change our cultures and traditions.

Here's an example. Have you ever gone to another person's home and tried to load their dishwasher? You start by loading it how you always have loaded it... with the Tupperware on top and the plates on bottom. Then they either change it after you have loaded and walked away or directly told you how barbaric you were for the way you loaded their dishwasher. Then later, they announce family prayer and you quietly fold your arms, but instead they want to hold hands?

These aspects of families are different from family to family, and are a strong part of their family culture. It is important to understand that each family has their own culture, or else we end up getting married and visiting the in-laws and wondering how such a wonderful spouse could come from such an odd family. (I am VERY grateful for my in-laws :))

Another reason it is important to understand is the knowledge that you can create and control aspects of your family culture. The following is an example that my husband and I have gone through recently.

My husband and I have had an ongoing conversation since we got married about how I am slow to forgive and he forgives and moves on too easily. I couldn't work out how I could be such a monster and how he just let things go without talking about them. Finally, a couple weeks ago, he got frustrated with something I had said and done and burst out with anger. When he cooled down and we found that it had been a misunderstanding and I had not done anything wrong, I sat there waiting for an apology, only to be disappointed because he had already moved on and thought nothing of his outburst. I, of course, cried because of how rude he had been and he was surprised because he didn't think he had done anything wrong. It turned out to be a matter of culture.

In my family, from the time we were young, we were taught to apologize whenever we did anything wrong that wasn't called for in the situation. That was a big part of our childhood -- doing something rude and then being told to go say sorry and not being allowed to do anything until that had been done (We were sent to our rooms to think about it if we weren't ready to give an honest apology). However, my husband said that in his family, if outbursts occurred that weren't called for, they just moved on and there was nothing to be done about it. I looked back to when we spent time with his family, and I remembered a sibling of his had gotten overly invested in a game that we were playing and spouted a number of rude comments. I felt awkward because they hadn't apologized, but I didn't understand that it was their culture at the time. We had a long discussion about the need for apologies, and it was fruitful. We decided to adopt both cultures by making an honest effort to forgive more easily and apologize more readily.

So that begs the question: Do all cultures meet the same purposes and have the same effectiveness? Are all cultures valid?

I would say no. In our society, we have been told that if we are not accepting of all cultures and ways of life, WE are not valid and WE are incorrect. "The only thing that is wrong is to say that something is wrong." I think that this way of thinking does not allow us to critically think and use the agency, or ability to choose, that our Heavenly Father gave us.

Research has shown that not all family structures and decisions have the same effectiveness on children. Follow this link for more information. While it's true that all cultures are different, it is our job to decide which aspects of which cultures we want to adopt into our families. For me, I would love to adopt the Polynesian way of looking at family, and drop the cultural view that children are sometimes a necessary inconvenience.

Bottom line: Not all cultures are equally valid, and we have the ability to decide what our family culture is going to be. Even if we have already started our family and are well into the years, we can change our culture slowly, but surely.

Family Theories

How much do you know about social sciences? Did you know that they have theories as well? Did you know there is a family science that has developed theories to help them analyze and see families in different lights?

If you did know all of these things, fantastic! I have to admit that before the courses I have taken that study families and marriage, I had not known many of these things. This week in class we discussed the different theories that therapists and social scientists use to analyze families.

What is the difference between a theory, a hypothesis, and a fact? A theory is an explanation of a phenomenon. Phenomenons are simply facts, occurrences, or circumstances observed or observable according to Dictionary.com, and can be as simple as a dog barking. A hypothesis is simply an educated guess that is testable. Another way to think about it would be that it is a prediction that a scientist will continue to investigate. A fact is something that we can see and know. It is indisputable.

The first theory we discussed was the conflict theory. The conflict theory states that all societies, including the family, are characterized by inequality, conflict, and change as groups within the society struggle over resources. As family members, there is always an imbalance of power, and people interact accordingly.

The second theory is the exchange theory. It states that we, as humans, will always attempt to keep our costs lower than our rewards in interaction. It envelops the popular saying "You owe me one". In terms of marriage, it can be the wife saying that they can have sex after the husband helps her clean the house.

The third theory is called the symbolic interaction theory, and it says that humans are primarily cognitive creatures who are influenced and shaped by their interaction experiences. For example, dating, hugging, kissing, etc. all have different meanings between the two people involved. A boy may view himself as asking a girl out on a casual date where they casually kiss at the end to symbolize that he had a good time, but the girl could view the date as a more serious thing and view their kiss as assurance that they are boyfriend-girlfriend.

The last theory is called the systems theory. It states that the intimate group must be analysed as a whole. Families come in varying shapes and forms, and it is important that we view them as a unit that have rules and roles to fill. There are also subsystems inside the system. For instance, in a family consisting of a father, mother, and one child, the subsystems would be the relationship between the father and child, mother and child, and father and mother. Each of these subsystems have their own rules and roles to fill.

The theory that sticks out most to me is the systems theory because there are many roles that are taken on or given to family members, and it is interesting to see which roles need to be filled in a family, and who takes them on and why.

For example, I am the oldest sister of three sisters in my family, but when my parents were getting a divorce I was in college for most of their fighting periods, and then I went on a mission. While I was on my mission, my parents announced their divorce, and my younger sister took on herself the job of comforting my mom. This role was essential for my mom to continue, but because I wasn't there, it naturally fell to the next youngest sister. She did a wonderful job, and my mom has been able to recover from the devastation.

Another role that is needed in a family is the peacemaker. There is generally always someone who takes on the responsibility of being the glue of the family and holding everyone together. This role happens when siblings fight when they are young, and it is also apparent when the family has grown older and the children have moved away. There is someone who brings the family back together and spearheads reunions, etc.

In conclusion, there is are many ways to analyze and create our families. We all have unspoken rules in our families that other families do not follow. We can take the initiative to create those rules when we initially marry, and we can also change the rules when our families are together. Doing this brings unity, and we are blessed and happier as a family.