Parenting

In the family proclamation, church leaders stated that "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live."

Over the past few months, I have gained a greater understanding of the divine role that parents play in their children's lives and how essential it is for parents to actively raise their children.

What are the benefits to parenting children? We learn to problem solve, expand our mind, experience a deeper joy, offer the gospel of Jesus Christ to some of Heavenly Father's children, learn from them, another opportunity to rely on the Spirit, we learn more literally our relationship to Heavenly Father, and we get to do God's will. Another benefit I learned recently is that the learning curve when a child is born is very steep. That curve levels off around age 18, UNLESS they have children and start to active parent. How neat is that?? Parents have another opportunity for growth and development!

So where can we turn to find good examples of parenting?

You guessed it! The Book of Mormon. :)

Think back to the times that you have heard the Book of Mormon stories and read them from the scriptures. Can you think of any examples of parenting? There are a surprising amount as the Book of Mormon is basically a family history. After I finish reading the Book of Mormon for President Nelson's challenge, I want to read it and look for examples of parenting.

Here are 3 ways you can learn from the Book of Mormon about parenting:

1. God directly says this is what you do
2. Examples of parenting (Alma 36-37, teaches about sin and repentance from his experience, teaches about prayer and revelation) (Alma 38, commends his son, encouragement, reins in his son, each child is different, be bold but not overbearing) (Alma 39-42, repent, consequences, justice, mercy, focuses on the consequences of his actions and not the actual action, teaches his son of the things that are worrying him, SUICIDE, not shaming his son but teaching him)
3. Example of God's parenting

I would encourage all parents to read the Book of Mormon to see if they can find good examples of parenting in it that will help them with any issue they might be experiencing. 

The second resource I would suggest is looking up the work of.Michael Popkin, the author of Active Parenting of Teens. He is a psychologist who has done a lot of research on parenting teenagers. I want to highlight a couple of his teachings. 

Popkin states that there are 3 basic styles of parenting:

The first is authoritative parenting, which is associated with the mantra: "You will not do this in my house". Authoritative parents set strict limits with little to no freedom for the teenager to make their own decisions.

The second is the opposite, permissive parenting, which allows the children too much freedom and no limits.

The third, and most desirable, is active parenting which is allowing children freedom within limits. The limits on children grow and decrease based on their capacity to make wise choices.

Popkin states that instead of punishing children, we should allow natural consequences teach children. When natural consequences are not available due to the consequence harming another, the consequences being too far in the future, or too dangerous, Popkin counsels parents to give their children a polite request. If that doesn't work, parent can try using an "I" statement telling the teenager how you feel when they did a certain thing followed by a request to the teen. The next step would be to give a firmer statement (with no threat implied), and if that does not spur action, the parent can issue a logical consequence.

A logical consequence is discussed with the child, and is very clear. It is structured by the parents to help the child understand the natural consequences, and is logically connected to the "crime" they have committed.

What do children learn when we actively parent? It's actually very similar to the list of things that parents learn. Children learn to experience joy, they have an opportunity to receive the gospel, they get to do God's will, they learn how to interact with others, they learn who Heavenly Father is, and they develop problem solving skills.

Parenting is so essential! I hope all parents know how important and needed they are :)

Importance of Fathers and Non-Working Mothers

The past few years I have been seeking to know what I should major in that would be most beneficial to me. I have looked into all of my favorite topics and potential career fields with no impression or real desire to continue down that road.

I have been so confused as to what I should do, because I have assumed that I need to study something that would help me to make money if I was in a place where I needed to do so.

A re-occurring theme that I have observed is how my major choice really won't matter. And why won't it matter? I believe it is because my primary duty is to raise children to the Lord. Now, I do not believe that this is the answer Heavenly Father will give all women, but I do think it is the answer he gives to many women.

Why would Heavenly Father not always encourage women to leave the home and enter the workforce? I know this is controversial, but I believe it is because jobs are not as important or necessary to our salvation as raising children led by righteous parents is. There are only a few things we take with us into the next life. One is memories, the other is our relationships, and the third is our testimony of and conversion to our Savior, Jesus Christ.

In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World", it states, "Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets." I know this might be a little extreme, but I feel that mother's and father's not placing an emphasis on being in the home do a disservice to their children and damage their family's well-being.

We generally look at mothers working as a positive and noble thing. I recently pondered the opposite side: What are the potential costs of having two incomes on a family?

The Cost of Dual Incomes

• Parents become more competitive
• Parents are less available to their children
• Dad gets sense of "failure" for not being able to provide enough for his family
• Couples put off having children, which may lead to having less children and stunting their family's growth in that way
• The couple's standard of living increases, and they do not need to communicate as much about finances
• Many times, after costs of sending a mother to work, couples discover that they are not making very much money, and sometimes they are even making less money than they did before

Father's are so essential, and it is important for a father to perform his duties in a family. What DOES a father do in his parenting? According to the proclamation, a father's duties are to provide for, preside over, and protect his family. He is charged to provide the essentials for living. I have also noticed that fathers introduce boundaries to his children and naturally receive respect from children. This is a God-given attribute that I admire in my husband. 

I'll leave y'all with a question I have been pondering:
When mother's sacrifice time and money away from their family to get an education for the sake of preparing for disaster, are they preparing and enabling that disaster rather than nurturing their family? Take divorce, for example. Would that extra time and money be preparing for divorce, or be preparing for a lifetime with their family? Prophets have counseled us that we need to be prepared, but how much time and effort needs to go into that preparation? How do we know? 

Teaching Children about Sexual Intimacy

Today I am going to direct my post to those who have questions about teaching children about sex. I will be pulling most of my information from "A Parent's Guide" published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints because it does a great job of breaking down the duties a parent has and why they should do those things.

Since I have began a formal study of marriages and families, I have been impressed with how important and essential a healthy marriage relationship between mother and father is for the healthy development of their children. Being a parent is all-consuming and essential. Parenting includes meeting the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of your child to help them make good decisions and mature into a well-adjusted adult. 

I say this because I don't imagine that it's easy to talk about sex with children for a number of reasons: We may not want to give our children a wrong impression of sexual relations, we may worry that they will become more curious and experiment, we may assume that they will learn enough about it at school, we may worry that we will be giving them too much information, or simply not want to talk about something that is so personal to our relationship with our spouse. 

Even though a parent may have these worries, I think it is important for us to teach our children about intimacy (sex and emotional closeness) throughout their childhood. 

"A Parent's Guide" has 10 great guidelines for teaching children that I want to highlight and comment on why I think it's important in teaching children:

1. Share the responsibility to teach with your spouse.
     It's good if one parent is willing to talk about harder topics, but it's best when they know that it's okay to talk to either parent about hard topics.

2. Teach your children by example.
     I've never been a parent, but I imagine that this will be difficult for me. I remember that sometimes my parents would say "do as I say, not as I do". It was a funny little motto for when they would contradict themselves, and I don't think it's harmful, but when we are consistently doing things differently from what we teach, it gets confusing for our children.

3. Be consistent in your behavior.
     This goes along with number two, and we can teach/model self-discipline as we do so.

4. Counsel with your children.
     Oh, I remember the notable days when my parents asked me my opinion about decisions made, and when they explained why they wanted to do something specific. Children love to share opinions and be heard.

5. Pass righteous judgement on your children.
     I believe what is meant here (I could be wrong!) is that we need to be able to judge where our children are at, and what principles they need to learn.

6. Provide a positive emotional climate in your home.
     I do not think that a positive emotional climate is easy to produce, but I know the hard work and self-discipline will pay off! A positive emotional climate helps anyone (not just children) to feel comfortable to explore their thoughts and feelings.

7. Hold family home evenings regularly.
     Now that we are changing to two-hour church, I would add that we can hold a family devotional regularly with the Come, Follow Me manual. These formal teaching times give opportunities for us to teach true principles to our children.

8. Share your thoughts and feelings with your children.
     Vulnerability is never easy, but I believe the more open we are with our children, the more willing they will be to share their thoughts and feelings. This can be done in a formal setting, or in a non-formal setting.

9. Break the routine.
     Honestly, I'm not sure why this would be helpful for children other than giving yourself more spontaneous teaching opportunities. Have fun with them and enjoy their company.
   
10. Express your love to your children regularly and frequently.
     Who doesn't want to hear how much their loved? It is so assuring for me as an adult, that I can only imagine how assuring it would be for my children.

When approaching children with these difficult topics, these principles can help to cultivate a good teaching environment. I suggest you to read "A Parent's Guide" and pray for help in knowing what you can do to teach your wonderful children. :)

The Family Under Stress

Have you ever had experiences where you view a seemingly perfect and stress-free family and wonder why your family seems to have more hardships than they do? Then you get to know them. They tell you of their MANY hardships and stressors and you realize that they really do have a stressful and difficult family life?

I have.

Every family has hardships. Just like an individual, families go through periods of high-stress and low-stress. When a family goes through a stressor, or series of stressors, there are three basic outcomes:

1. Higher family maturity; long-term positive effects

2. Same level maturity; the family has coped

3. Lower level maturity; long-term negative effects

So, what are some good and bad ways for a family to cope?

Let’s start with Ineffective Coping Mechanisms.  (These are paraphrased from “Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy” by Robert Lauer and Jeanette Lauer)

Denial

Denial is deciding not to see a stressor for what it really is. This is harmful to a family and individual because it prevents anything from being done to solve or overcome the stressor.

Avoidance

Avoiding a problem will never produce a positive outcome, as ignoring a problem because of negative consequences now will produce more hardship down the road. It is important to take responsibility and work towards addressing the stressor.

Scapegoating

This is another way of saying blaming others. When I served my mission, the mission president’s wife always talked about the negative effects of blame and how we should never blame other people or other things for our situations. Blame cripples a person because they become unwilling to fix the issue or see their part in the act.

Now that we have talked about ineffective coping mechanisms, let’s talk about some Positive Coping Mechanisms.

Take Responsibility

This is the opposite of denial, avoidance, and scapegoating because the person recognizes that there is a problem, they don’t blame others, and they approach the issue healthily. Taking responsibility empowers a person to act and help the situation. It also allows for a healthy view of the crisis by helping the person not view themselves as a victim—hurt, oppressed, exploited, in pain, helpless, etc. Many times, people are not responsible for a stressor to their family, but they can create a game plan for helping them and their family to not have a victim outlook.

Affirm Your Own and Your Family’s Worth

Having a healthy view that you and your family can overcome challenges and stressors will help all of you to do so. On my mission I learned the principle that we are self-fulfilling prophecies. If we believe that we will be unsuccessful, we will be unsuccessful. If we believe that we have the skills necessary to do hard things and be successful, we will use those skills to do hard things and be successful. Stressors are hard on self-esteem, and I have found it helpful to remember God’s perfection and love when I am unable to find it for myself.

Balance Self-Concern with Other-Concern

Lauer & Lauer say that “The totally self-focused life is as self-destructive as the totally other-focused life.” We must be able to remember to serve others, but we cannot serve others when we don’t have anything to give. When we are too focused on our own suffering and can’t see the struggles of our family members, then we will miss out on opportunities to strengthen relationships and might even damage them.

Find and Use Available Resources

There is an abundance of resources offered to families in different communities. The resources that are offered differ from place to place, but extended family, religious beliefs, friends, books, self-help groups, and therapists are just some places to start.

Learn the Art of Reframing

To reframe means to change your perspective on a situation. This does not include changing the stressor, but simply finding another way to categorize it. This goes hand-in-hand with learning how to not view yourself as a victim, but as someone who can act and change their situation.

What are some of the coping mechanisms that help you overcome stressors?

Marital Transitions

As you can tell by my picture, I am recently married to Daniel, and we've been married for about a year. As a young girl I thought of being married often and looked forward to the experience of dating, getting engaged, and then marrying the man of my dreams.

And guess what? Marriage is awesome. It's living with your best friend and having a companion for the rest of your life who knows you and you know them. It's building a stronger connection with your companion and giving all of yourself to them and accepting all of them in return. It's going through life with someone you love :)

That being emphatically stated, it is important to know that not all of marriage is happiness, rainbows, and ease. Both partners are imperfect and bring into marriage those imperfections. They also are bringing their family of origin's 'norms' and many times the norms clash.

No amount of dating can prepare you (or should prepare you) for the transition to marriage. It's meant to be an adjustment that a husband and wife go through together. The transitions and decisions can be hard, but if a husband and wife pull together, they will come out of the transitions stronger. It is important that a couple goes through the transitions and decisions intentionally.

In order for a couple to make these decisions intentionally, I will go through some of the transitions a couple will go through as they get engaged, married, and have their first baby. I have also added some commentary on what opportunities for growth a couple has during these transitions and some things they should consider.

Engagement
Proposal

Grooms have a great opportunity here to show their dedication to their future spouse. Many times a man will propose after both of them have talked about marriage and decided that they want to marry each other. I propose that a man propose to a woman before he knows her answer. This could create a special experience by showing that he is willing to commit himself to her without the condition that she be willing to commit herself to him first. 

Wedding Planning

Normally the bride plans the wedding with her mother, but there are those that suggest that the bride and groom should both be invested in the wedding planning. They have the opportunity to plan an event together, and this can give the other insight into their likes/dislikes and interests. This is also a good opportunity to talk about priorities and budgeting. It's not the bride's wedding, it's THEIR wedding. 

Marriage Planning

We normally think of wedding planning during the engagement, but I also think it is important for a couple to plan their marriage (what happens after the 4 hour celebration). This includes life goals, where they'll live, potential budgets, who works, expectations they have, etc. This is infinitely more important than wedding planning because this is planning and preparing for the rest of their lives together. 

Marriage - 1st Month
Sex

For members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who have gotten married in the temple (as well as many others), they have waited to have sex with each other until after their sealing. After keeping this commandment of the Lord, they go from 0-100. This is an adjustment, and it's important that after the ceremony and throughout their lives they talk about their expectations and are sensitive to each other's needs and boundaries.

Money

Money issues are one of the main reasons that people divorce today. It is important that a married couple communicate about their money as well as a budget. When my husband and I got married, this topic occupied the bulk of many conversations, and we made it a priority to come to a consensus over our budget. This has blessed our marriage TREMENDOUSLY because we do not deal with the stress of having debt. We also build trust with each other and got to work together to plan for and reach our monetary goals. 

Schedules

My husband loves to wake up early (around 4:00am), and I am naturally a night-owl. One of our ongoing conversations is our schedules. It is important that a married couple communicate expectations regarding the amount of time spent together, and what their schedule will look like on a day-to-day basis. My husband and I use Google Calendar to sync our schedules and talk about them before every semester and then review them every Sunday or Monday. 

Food

I have told many people that my husband's love language is food, and it's true. Few things show more love to him than a well-cooked and ready to eat meal. A couple needs to communicate about where they'll shop, how much to spend on food, who cooks, who cleans, what meals they'll have together, etc. 

Setting Up House

My husband hates clutter and walking over things, so in our first week together we spent time simply organizing and decorating our apartment. This was great because we worked together to make our ideal living space. It was so exciting to go buy a dresser together and set it all up. 

Caring for Someone Else

Marriage is wonderful because it tests your love abilities and helps them grow. I know that love for a spouse is destined to grow throughout marriage. It is an adjustment to go from being aware of not only your own needs, wants, desires, and passions, but your spouses' as well. Taking time to ask them what is important to them and follow through with what you discover will strengthen your relationship. 

Friend Group

Although I dislike bringing up this subject, a couple must establish boundaries with friends. A rule that my husband and I have decided on is that we will not be alone with a member of the opposite sex (unless there's a talked over reason to be), even if they have been our close friend. It's a boundary that we simply won't cross. A couple also needs to decide how much time they will spend with friends, and what they don't want to talk about concerning their relationship with their friends and families. 

Home Responsibilities

Who is going to wash dishes? Who cleans? When does cleaning happen? These are all things a couple will need to discuss in their first month living together. 

Dating

Should you stop dating after marriage or engagement? No! Dates are essential to staying knowledgeable of your spouse and cultivating a healthy relationship. Dating is a planned activity that is set aside from other responsibilities. This is especially important when children are involved in the marriage. 

Marriage - 1st Year
Holidays/Extended-Family Time

Holidays are generally when those that have moved out of their home return to spend time with their family. This is hard to juggle in a marriage relationship because the couple now needs to decide how they will spend their holiday. Will they have an every-other-holiday arrangement? Will you spend some holidays just the two of you? How do your families feel about this? It is important to remember that you are now a separate family and they are your extended family. Do not let your extended families dominate your holiday time if it is unhealthy for your relationship. 

Traditions

This can be closely linked with holidays, and this is one of my favorite aspects of creating a new family. You get to create your own family traditions. Many times there are vast disagreements on traditions because you are bringing two different family cultures together. This is where you and your spouse get to decide what traditions you want to keep, and which you will discard. 

Values

No amount of dating will help you get to know your spouse completely. When you get married and go through life together, you begin to realize that you and your spouse bring closely-held values that simply didn't get mentioned during the dating process. When these values are brought up, be sure to talk about them thoroughly, patiently, and lovingly. 

Budget

I mention this one again because your budget will continue to change. Whether that be because of an increased income, graduating college, having a baby, etc, your budget will change frequently. Make sure to update and discuss this frequently to minimize financial strain on your relationship. 

Feedback

News flash: You aren't perfect! Your spouse isn't perfect! The world isn't perfect! You will dislike some things your spouse does, and they will dislike some things you do. Establish a good habit of communicating your feedback (include positive feedback) that minimized hurt feelings and shows each other respect. 

I hope this blog post helps! This is not a complete list of potential transitions, but it is a good one to get started with. 

Pre-Marriage Dating

Handsome boy meets beautiful girl...

and then they are inseparable. They spend all their time together and it seems that they are finally truly living their lives. It's all a blur of happiness. They find out they have the same interests and hobbies, and it seems like their partner meets all of their needs instinctively. All their troubles are resolved, and their stressors disappear. Some minor bumps may show up, but the message is clear: Their love overcomes all.

Does this sound familiar? When I was younger I watched movies like Cinderella that portrayed this "Happily Ever After" romance and grew up expecting romance to be similar. I was confused when it wasn't. I found that my perspective was skewed by the media and the truth is that love is a choice and it takes work. I found that my interests did not always coincide with my partner's interests. I found that obstacles come independent of our relationship status, and it takes more than love to overcome many obstacles.

Right now, the culture is such that we meet someone, hang out, they pronounce boyfriend/girlfriend status, and then they begin the courting phase where they get to know each other. However, statistics show that this is not the best way to go about dating.

So, what is a healthy way to meet and date a potential spouse?

One model was created by Dr. John Van Epp, and it is called the Relationship Attachment Model, or the RAM Model. He outlines five main areas that are essential to dating relationships: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch. He proposes that we should know a person more than we trust them, trust a person more than we rely on them, and commit to a person more than we get physical, or touch, them. A good representation of this can be found here.

In our culture, hooking up is more common than dates, and it has been negatively affecting relationships. This is opposite of what the RAM model of dating calls for, and it has had a negative effect on relationships because their sexual activity has created a bond that is not backed by knowledge, trust, reliability, and commitment. Jim Gascoine says: "whether we like it or not, sexuality creates a bond between two people. So now we've got two individuals that are sexually active, and yet they really don't know if they can trust each other, if they can rely on each other, or what level of commitment is in the relationship. " If they want to pursue their relationship in a healthy way, they will have to create different habits and build their knowledge, trust, the amount they rely on each other, and their commitment to levels above their touch level.

So, how can we date people effectively?

First, I think it is important that we keep in mind that marriage is the ultimate goal of dating. It should be extremely fun, and we shouldn't raise our expectations of dating, but it is important to remember that you are searching for someone that you would like to spend you life with.

From what I've learned and seen, there are 4 different stages of the dating to marriage relationship. It works best when the couple know exactly in what stage they are in. When a couple blurs the stages of dating, they are not being as intentional in the relationship as they should be, and that can cause issues later in their marriage.

Dating. The first stage is dating. Dating is doing a variety of activities with a variety of people without any commitment. What does a date entail? According to Elder Dallin H. Oaks' talk called "Dating versus Hanging Out", it is an activity that is
1) Planned - It must be a designated activity that is planned ahead of time and is prepared for.
2) Paid For - One person (or both) know who is paying for the date.
3) Paired Off - The boy and the girl know they are responsible for each other during the duration of the date.
When in the dating stage it is important to remember that you should date a variety of people. The level of commitment is only the commitment to each other for the duration of the date. Your expectation should be to have fun and to get to know a person. This is when you can get to know your priorities in aspects of your future partner. Basically what you value in a future spouse.

Courtship. The second stage is courtship. This is when you become exclusive in your dating. You should still be going on dates, but the ideal is that there is a variety in the dates that you go on so you can see the person in varying environments and situations.

Engagement. At this stage, you have decided that you want to marry the person. Generally this stage is opened up by a proposal, and the more intentional you become in making the transition from courtship to engagement, the better.

Marriage. Marriage is the fourth stage, and it is definitely one to look forward to. :)

It's important to mention here that I think this is the most ideal way to go about dating a potential spouse. This is not the only way, and a marriage is not doomed if you have not followed this. But if you are in the dating stage and desire a formula for a good way to start a marriage and find a spouse, this is a great place to start.

I hope that this has helped, and that many people are able to start their relationships in the most ideal way. I know that dating is important and intentional dating is essential.

My Perspective on LGBTQ+ and the Gospel of Jesus Christ

In class this week we talked about how the current trends in gender identity and LGBTQ+ have an effect on families.
Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are familiar with "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" presented by the leadership of the church in 1995. I was about 5 months old when it was presented, and I have heard many people my parents age talk about how they were confused that the leadership would feel a need to emphasize the family and restate what the Lord expects the world to strive for in family and what to steer clear of. My parents felt that it was well-known and common.
Looking back, I view the proclamation as a prophetic statement because of how much we need it today. When discussions of gender come up I quickly refer to the portion of the proclamation that says,

"Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."

If this is true, and we are supposed to stay the gender that we were born into, it is possible that we need to do more research into why so many people are confused with their gender. There could be a societal reason why so many people are confused with their gender like the disintegration of families, strained relationships with parents, a lack of general interaction with others, etc. Even though I don't understand everything about why this is a growing phenomenon and why the Lord has declared gender to be eternal and important for our identity, I have chosen to trust in the Lord and believe that there are explanations and solutions.

Now I would like to address same-sex attraction. The proclamation begins with this sentence:

"WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children."

It has been long accepted and understood that marriage is between a man and a woman. It has only been recently that societies have become more accepting, and have been demanding more acceptance, of same-sex relationships. In class we discussed a theory regarding same-sex attraction that is well explained in this article. The theory is called the "Exotic Becomes Erotic", and states that children, whose personalities do not conform to their gender's norms, can view those of their same gender as exotic and different. When puberty comes around, it is possible for the exotic things to become erotic and sexualized. These feelings are often coupled with sexual abuse, pornography use, and a desire to be intimate (not necessarily sexual) with the same sex.
Through personal experience, I understand how real same-sex attraction is, and I know that it is something that many people struggle with. However, I know that the Lord has said that he does not endorse same-sex relationships, and that he endorses only marriage between a man and a woman. I have tried before to ignore little standards that the Lord has set, and it takes away meaning and purpose from my life. The most fulfilling times in my life are the times that I have obeyed the Lord and sought to strengthen my relationship with Him. He is the source of light and truth, and we live in a fallen world. It is important to search for truth through Him, and not through the voices that we hear in the media: really anyone who preaches things contrary to God's standards and doctrine. I know that Jesus Christ lives, and that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me. Knowing these two things and acting on that knowledge gives me freedom from sin and unrest. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is His church, and the doctrine will not change.